


like a cannonball

by catsvspatriarchy



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:33:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22025614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catsvspatriarchy/pseuds/catsvspatriarchy
Summary: Lena finds out Kara is Supergirl; angst ensues.  Alex tries to smooth things over for them.  It goes both worse and better than expected.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 37
Kudos: 278





	like a cannonball

**Author's Note:**

> hello friends!
> 
> i started writing this after 5x01 so canon developments in season 5 don't happen. also i made Kelly not exist (sorry, Kelly, i'll make it up to you).
> 
> i appreciate any comments!

It's late when Alex gets there; it's been a long day and she's tired and the unpleasant kind of sore. It's been Friday night all over town, people spilling onto the streets out of restaurants and bars, and Alex catches puzzle pieces of conversations and the occasional raucous shout every time she stops at a red light. It's comforting, that the world goes on around her, but she can't help but be aware that it's Friday night and she has nothing waiting for her after this. There's a burn in her stomach that possibly is related to not eating since breakfast and possibly is related to spending the day in tense situations, because there are anti-alien protests again in the city, and people – human and otherwise – are restless and irritable. It's fear - Alex knows this from long hours of introspection and shorter ones of therapy - and pain. She feels it herself sometimes, that near-irresistible urge to put up barriers, to keep herself separate from others who could hurt her.

And it's a warm evening and a long ride. She has a lot of time to think. She's been trying to avoid having this amount of time to think - but, well, Kara asked.

Alex checks the address Kara texted her. She's been here before, but unfamiliar streets always put her a little on edge – years at the DEO have taught her the value of knowing exactly where you are. As well as any potential points of attack, or hiding places. She doesn't expect to need either, but clocks the street with a practiced eye anyway.

She parks her bike off-street and walks back, catching the scent of late-summer flowers hinting under ozone and traffic. There's a vine of something with small white flowers wrapping over the glass doors (Alex disapproves on principle, but they do provide good visual of the street), and she leans in to the scent before pressing the call button for building security.

She gives her name, and, curiously, her organization into the speaker - do people in Lena's building have friends over, ever? - and expects, at least on some level, to be denied. Oh well, sorry Kara, I tried. But while she's waiting to be politely (or not so politely – she's seen Lena's security team at work at L Corp and suspects her home address to be similar) turned back, the door clicks open. Alex pushes it and walks into the empty lobby. It's an elevator ride up to Lena's level and she sees no-one – in fact, the building is eerily silent, and Alex can't help comparing it to her own building, which usually has cooking scents escaping under doors and muffled sounds of pets and kids and arguments. She's in a far less exclusive zip code, but somehow she thinks she prefers the sounds of life.

It's a long minute before Lena answers. She opens the door partway, standing almost shyly in its wake. Her hair's loose around her shoulders and she looks tired, her usually-perfect eyeliner smudged and her workday bright lipstick gone. She looks younger, Alex thinks.

She realizes she's staring, and stops. 

“Kara sent me.”

“Obviously,” Lena says, with a bite of anger, although her body language remains quiet, blocking the doorway. “I told Kara I didn't want to see her.”

“She was worried about you. She said you seemed really hurt. So, I figured I'd come by-”

“Hurt?” Lena interrupts. Her mouth twists. “Hurt? I'm not sure that's the word I'd use.”

“Okay,” says Alex. She raises her hand in a supplicating gesture, trying to slow things down. She's unnerved, a little, by Lena's vehemence. “Why don't we go somewhere and talk? I didn't eat yet and I'm-”

“No,” says Lena, and closes the door in her face.

“-Starving,” says Alex. “Okay, that went well.”

She pulls out her phone from her back pocket to text Kara.

Alex: _She's alive. She still thinks you're an asshole. Pretty sure she thinks I am now, too._

Alex is almost back at her bike when her phone vibrates. 

Kara: _Thank you for trying. I got you a thank-you burrito._

Alex grumbles a little to herself, but she can't completely suppress a smile. Then she remembers traffic at this time of the evening, and her smile drops. Oh well. Her burrito's going to get cold.

* * *

"Absolutely not," Alex says. They're in Kara's apartment, ready for a movie-and-sisterly-bonding night that Alex has been waiting for all week. She's left work early and has loose plans to eat her own weight in ice cream before the sun fully sets.

"Alex, please," Kara says, smiling hopefully in that way she thinks convinces Alex to do her bidding every time.

"Kara, no. I drove across town to see her last week. She was fine. She's been fine - she's on the news, like, three times a week, obviously she hasn't been abducted or infected with a killer virus or thrown off a building in the two weeks since you've seen her."

"Those are-" Kara blinks. "Very specific scenarios. Are those likely? Have you been hearing anything?"

"I'm just saying. It really seems like Lena wants to be left alone. She made that pretty clear."

Kara shakes her head; a crinkle of frustration across her brow. "She's really upset. I should have told her earlier. Maybe? Now she thinks all of us knew before her-"

"All of us did know before her," says Alex.

"-And we've had some - conspiracy or something, to keep her in the dark."

Alex frowns. "That's not - completely inaccurate."

"It is, though! I mean, not the keeping her in the dark, but we're not all trying to keep things from her."

Gently, Alex says: "That's pretty much exactly what we've been doing, Kara."

Kara blows out a breath, and her half-full soda cup tips forward off the table. Alex catches it with one hand and replaces it.

"I know. _I know_ , okay? I just - I worry about her, Alex. She's not talking to anyone. She won't answer James's calls - she blocked me on instagram -"

"Lena has instagram?"

" - Mostly to look at pictures of dogs, I think - she isolates herself! Of course it feels like everyone's against her when she's not talking to any of us."

"She didn't seem very interested in talking to me."

Kara looks up at her, glasses slightly askew on her face. "Please. Alex. I'd really, really, really appreciate it if you checked on her. For me."

Alex flicks a finger at her. "Don't do that puppy dog eyes thing with me, it doesn't work."

Kara just watches her.

Alex sighs, picks up Kara's soda cup, and drinks the last of it. "I was saving my sugar quota today for ice cream, but it seems like I'm gonna need sugar and caffeine for the long ride ahead of me."

Kara nods wisely. "Sucks to be the one without alien metabolism. I can drop you off."

Alex considers; shakes her head. "Probably better not."

* * *

So that's how Alex ends up in Friday night traffic on the way to Lena's, again. It's earlier in the day, but it seems like everyone in the city has had the same idea to leave work early. Alex lets the bike idle when traffic slows right down around her, and daydreams about where the people around her are going. Weekend romantic getaways, maybe, or family time with the kids. She tries to imagine it for herself, someday in the future, getting out of town with her imagined, faceless future family. It stings a little, though, and she doesn't let the thought linger.

Alex: _I'm outside your apartment building, let me in._

Lena's reply is almost instantaneous.

Lena: _I'm not home._

Alex sighs. 

Alex: _I checked with your assistant, and I guess you didn't blacklist me at L-Corp yet either. Why is that, by the way? He told me you were going home._

There's no answer for a few minutes. The day isn't cooling down any, and without the breeze of movement on her bike Alex is too hot. She strips off her jacket and ties it awkwardly around her waist, and leans against the building irritably. Maybe the sight of a regular citizen touching the building will get security on their way quickly – either to let her in or move her along. Either way, Alex figures, at least she won't be waiting any more.

Alex: _Kara's really upset, you know._

This time Lena replies quickly again.

Lena: _I can't control how Kara feels._

Alex: _Could you - I don't know, stop being an asshole and let me in? Driving over here isn't exactly my idea of a great Friday night, you know._

There's a long minute before Lena replies. 

Lena: _I didn't ask you to come here._

Alex: _No. Kara did._

She waits, trying to figure an appropriate amount of time before giving up. She's about to walk away when she hears the door click.

"Huh," she says, and then texts.

Alex: _Huh._

Lena: _Very eloquent. It's clear you're not going to leave me alone._

Alex: _No. No, I guess I'm not._

She reaches Lena's door, and on a whim, texts again.

Alex: _I'm outside your door._

Lena opens it. Her hair's still pulled back into a chignon that Alex assumes was how she wore it to work, but there are a few loose, curled strands framing her face. She's in a light sweater and jeans, phone in hand. Alex isn't sure she's ever seen Lena in jeans before.

"You could knock on my door like a normal person."

Alex holds up a hand, then taps again at her phone.

Alex: _This seems to be working better._

Lena's phone buzzes, and as she reads the message Alex sees her face change a little, like there's a hint of a smile underneath. Her voice when she speaks, though, is still combative.

"I suppose you want to come in."

"Since you asked so nicely," Alex says, and when Lena moves aside, she steps into the doorway herself.

She pauses on the threshold. There's something uncomfortable about Lena's apartment – although it's high above the street, Alex could never be happy with that much glass and exposure – there's too much white, everything too completely in its place. She's tempted to scuff something, just to break the suffocating perfection.

She looks closer, though, and there are books stacked haphazardly on the coffee table beside a glass part-full of amber liquid, an open laptop on the couch. The glass doors to the balcony are open, and there's a little breeze. It's something, even if Alex privately feels that owning a white couch is just asking for trouble.

Alex points to the laptop. “Still working? It's Friday night. Again.”

“I'm aware,” says Lena.

“Normal people are out spending time with friends.”

“And yet, you're here.”

"I could have phrased that better," says Alex.

Lena laughs, but it's a bitter sound. “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“You know.”

“I don't need someone checking on me. I especially don't need Kara's help. She lied to me.”

“So did I,” says Alex.

“Yes,” says Lena slowly. “That had occurred to me. James, too. None of you thought it was important that I knew, I suppose.”

“It's not my secret to tell,” Alex's voice is measured. “And Kara's safety is more important than your ego.”

Lena visibly recoils, and there's a moment where Alex thinks she'll come back fighting. She almost welcomes it – not Lena, per se, but the conflict. There's an itch in her fingers; a fury in her spine, lately. Everything's always being taken away from her.

She needs a drink.

Lena doesn't fight back, though, and Alex is left feeling like she lost something. Instead, Lena picks up the glass off her coffee table with practiced fingers, raises it to her lips and drinks it dry. Alex watches the line of her throat, and swallows.

It doesn't seem like any friendly gesture will be incoming, but Alex tries to talk anyway, unnerved by the silence. 

"I don't suppose you'd share."

Lena turns her gaze on her; light eyes piercing. There's a long moment where Alex tries to decipher her expression, then Lena inclines her head and walks across the room to the counter and refills the glass. 

Alex sits down on the edge of the couch and waits until Lena hands it to her. She takes a sip. It's smooth, but powerfully strong, and she reminds herself she still has to get home.

"Millionaire CEOs only have one glass?"

"Billionaire," says Lena silkily. "You did say you wanted to share."

"Fair enough," says Alex. "So. I'm checking on you. Like I promised. Did you want to talk?"

Lena tenses. "Not at Kara's behest." 

There's something different about the way she says Kara's name; a twist of bitter sadness in it Alex has never heard from Lena before. She considers.

"How about not at Kara's behest?"

Lena looks at her. 

"Honestly," Alex goes on. "I'm not even really sure what 'behest' means, but you and I, we're friends. We can talk as friends. Nothing to do with Kara."

"You know what it means. I know your IQ and your education, Alex."

Alex shrugs. "Kara's the wordsmith."

Lena takes the glass from her. "Don't."

"All right," Alex says slowly. "No Kara. How are you otherwise?"

Lena puts the glass back on the table. "You're driving."

"I'm good," Alex says.

"I'm busy," says Lena, and for a moment Alex takes it as a dismissal, but then Lena keeps talking. "It's difficult at work. L-Corp's reputation has - well, there have always been people who believe we're evil."

Alex nods. "It probably comes from having been evil."

"Hilarious," says Lena, deadpan. "I'm doing damage control after the last few months, but it's uphill work. If shareholders lose faith, we don't have the money to reinvest - it's an expensive corporation to run, and there is so - _so_ much we need to do...."

She trails off.

"Also, I'm supposed to be working with the DEO on another project. Which doesn't look like it will come to fruition now."

"The shielding mechanism," Alex says, remembering Brainy's request for L-Corp's financing and R&D. "You don't want to work on it."

"I have a complex relationship with Supergirl," Lena says steadily.

"That's a way of putting it, yes."

"I'm not sure it's in my best interests to keep helping her in the future. Indirectly or otherwise."

"Lena," Alex says. "Come on. Really?" Her voice to her own ears sounds more incredulous than she intended.

Lena waits, and seems to take a moment to roll the words in her mouth before she speaks. "And, I'm hurt."

There's a pause. Alex hears traffic outside, and Lena looks toward the balcony, blinking fast.

"Kara got that," Alex says softly. "She gets it."

"I'm not sure that's true."

"It is."

"Well," Lena says. "It's not important."

"It's how you feel," Alex says mildly. "Of course it's important. Kara's your friend."

"Was my friend."

There's a stubborn set to Lena's jaw now, and Alex feels like she's pushed enough. Maybe too much. She takes a deep breath, instead.

"So, same time next week?"

Lena's eyes go wide. "That's - what - I told you - "

"And I told you, we're friends. So, we'll be friends. Dinner and a movie, since I always miss eating to drive out here to the boonies to see you - "

"I do not live in the boonies."

"- that's the kind of thing that friends do. Also, phones work both ways. Text me. Call me, if you want to talk or something. I've got nothing better to do." Alex means it to sound flippant, but it comes out sounding too honest, and she stands up, fussing with her jacket to cover herself.

"Why would you want that?"

"Uh," says Alex. "Friends. Like I said?"

"We both know where your loyalties lie."

Alex is tempted to fire back: this dance is growing tiring. She opens her mouth to say something snappish, then looks at Lena; really looks.

Lena looks back at her for a long second, then flicks her eyes downward. Her lip twitches, almost imperceptibly.

Alex knows a little something about schooling her expression. She's spent a lot of her life building walls so outsiders can't see the real her. So there's something fascinating to her in Lena's perfect mask, and the barest flickers of some overwhelming sea of emotion underneath. Alex is curious by design - she hungers to know more, to put pieces together.

She takes a breath. "She's my sister," she starts gently. "And you're right, my loyalty's always going to be to Kara. That doesn't mean you're all alone."

Lena's lip curls. "That's exactly what it means. If you're finished?" She gestures toward the empty glass. It's an oddly polite dismissal, since a second drink had not been offered. Alex thinks about it as she rides home through traffic, again.

* * *

Kara is, however, nothing if not stubborn, and she keeps persisting.

Alex: _Kara, I don't know how many other ways I can say it. She wants me to get lost. I'm not repairing your relationship any the way this is going._

Kara: _It's not just about my relationship with Lena, Alex. I want her to be okay._

Alex: _I don't know if you or I have any say in that._

Kara: _One last time. Please. Just try._

Alex: _Fine. You. Owe. Me._

Kara: _:D_

* * *

Alex: _Dinner and a movie, Friday my place. It'll have to be Netflix because once I take my pants off they are not going back on._

It's a full day before Lena answers, and Alex can almost hear her tone through the text.

Lena: _What the hell are you talking about?_

Alex: _You heard me. Seven-ish is good. I'll text if I'm going to run late._

Alex: _..._

Alex: _Anything you don't eat?_

Alex: _For food._

Alex: _I didn't mean anything else._

Alex: _\- oh god, that was really awkward._

Lena: _Was that flirting? Are you flirting?_

Alex: _That was NOT flirting. That was me working late shifts the last three days and not getting enough sleep and spending time that I COULD be sleeping on trying to get my sister's best friend to calm down. Cut me some fucking slack._

Lena: _..._

Lena: _Don't call me that._

Lena: _I don't like sushi. What do I wear?_

Alex: _It's my apartment, Lena, Jesus._

Alex: _Wear sweatpants._

* * *

Lena doesn't own sweatpants, it turns out, but she does own pajama pants that have little dogs printed on them. Alex refrains from commenting on them when she opens her apartment door.

"My driver gave me a very strange look," Lena says. She's in a loose-knit sweater to go with the pants, and some kind of fancy lace-up fleece boots that Alex suspects cost more than her month's salary.

In truth, Alex is surprised she came. She had figured she'd be continually, fruitlessly trying to talk to Lena until Lena finally got tired of it all and had her security block Alex's calls. Or until Kara gave up, whichever came first.

“No casual Fridays at L-Corp, I guess. Come in; mi casa, su casa.”

“This is beyond casual.”

“Yeah,” says Alex, and can't suppress a smile. “Nice dogs.”

“Thank you,” says Lena with dignity.

Alex pours wine and makes polite small talk until the food arrives. It's stilted, but she didn't expect more - she and Lena have always been acquaintances rather than close friends, a few unguarded moments aside. She's been pulled into Lena's circle in Kara's wake, and while she respects and at least mostly trusts what she's seen, she and Lena have never spent a lot of time alone together.

There are perfectly reasonable reasons why - Alex has her job, has Kara, had Maggie. Lena has a world she holds so close to her chest that few people seem to find a way in - Kara has, with her sunshine determination, and James has, although Alex was never really privy to why.

She makes the effort now, though, asking about Lena's projects at work (mostly non-disclosable, otherwise answered stiffly and as though Lena's expecting an ambush at any moment), and Lena very pointedly does not mention anything to do with Kara, and somehow, the safest topic of conversation they end up on is Alex's love life.

"No, really," Alex says, heaving a sigh. "There is nothing to tell. So much nothing."

"Tinder," says Lena, with extreme solemnity, and Alex double-checks the amount of wine left in the bottle.

She shakes her head. "I don't know. I'm not looking to hook up."

"Isn't that what everyone's looking for?" 

Lena's different tonight - maybe it's the wine, or pulling her out of her comfort zone and into Alex's not-very-tidy apartment. Her eyes are clear and intent, her gaze on Alex almost uncomfortable in its directness. She gets a flash of what it must be like to be part of Lena's world, and there's a frisson of anxiety in it, and maybe something else.

Alex considers answering that she's looking for something serious, that she's spent enough time on feelingless one-night-stands and that she's still, kind of, nursing an old broken heart, because she's never been good at letting things go. 

She's curious, though.

"Is that what you're looking for?"

Lena puts down her glass, raising her hand in defense. "Oh, I'm not - "

Alex waits, but the rest of the sentence is never spoken. "What happened with you and James?" she asks, after a minute, and considers adding "If you want to talk about it", but decides against it. She gets the impression Kara tiptoes around Lena's feelings too often. She gets it - Kara will do anything for her friends - but she also gets the feeling that spun-cotton softness is not entirely what Lena needs, and, well, Alex has become something of an expert in hard truths over the last few years.

Her phone chimes after she speaks, though, and she gets up to buzz in the delivery guy. 

"Saved by the - chicken," Lena says.

"That's a duck," Alex says over her shoulder. “My ringtone is a duck,” with as much gravitas as she can bring to that sentence. "Kara changed it and I don't know how to change it back. I mostly keep it on silent." She takes the delivery bag and gives the guy a tight smile and a cash tip before closing the door behind him.

Lena reaches out with one hand in a 'come here' gesture. Alex, confused, hands her the bag.

"Your phone, I meant," Lena says, although she opens the bag and pulls out the takeout cartons. "Plates?"

Alex waves in the directions of the right cupboards, and Lena rummages.

"All that education and you can't change a ringtone?"

“All that money and you can't tell a chicken from a duck?”

Lena puts plates on the counter. “Ah. Touché.” 

“Here,” says Alex, handing her the phone.

The evening's more comfortable than Alex feared, once Lena's relaxed a little. There's still this awkwardness in the air; the feeling that any moment Alex might say something wrong and Lena will freeze up or leave. But she's reminded of working together before, of their kind of camaraderie, of her respect for Lena's intellect. She's always liked intelligent women, and 'challenging' seems to be the catchword for every relationship she's ever had with them.

They end up on Alex's couch, Lena sitting sideways with one knee twisted beneath her in a way that Alex cannot possibly believe is comfortable. She's reminded of how rarely she has guests that aren't Kara (or Maggie, says an old, quiet part of her brain, and it's a betrayal how everything always comes back to Maggie).

“Here,” Alex says, pulling her afghan off the back of the couch and throwing it at Lena. Lena grabs for it and nearly upends both of their meals.

“I'm not cold.”

“You look cold.”

Lena narrows her eyes, but she spreads the rug over her knees when Alex gets up to open another bottle of wine. Lena's long, dark hair falls over the back of the couch, and Alex closes her eyes for a moment against a feeling of déjà vu. She clears her throat.

“I'm curious,” she says, voice sounding higher than she expected.

Lena half-turns, and the light from Alex's faux-living-room outlines her profile and casts part of her face in shadows. Alex pauses.

“About what?” Lena asks.

“Why you're here.”

Lena turns to face her fully, and the shadows clear. “You invited me.”

“You haven't blocked me,” says Alex. “You let me into your apartment. You came over here. You hardly want to say Kara's name, but you're willing to talk to me.”

“I suppose,” Lena says slowly. “I'm curious, too. About what it is you really want from me.”

“You don't believe I've been checking on Kara's friend because she asked me to?”

“No one ever has a singular motive.”

“That's – philosophical,” Alex says.

“Classical education,” Lena shrugs. “So what's your non-primary motivation?”

“God, you're -” Alex stops herself before she grits the rest of the sentence out. She picks up her wine and finishes it in a swallow. “Is it so hard to believe that someone might -” She pauses. “Care about you, as a person?”

Lena's face is expressionless. “Yes.”

“Well, that's sad.”

“Yes,” says Lena. “I suppose it is. Thank you for dinner.” She pushes the afghan off her lap and her mostly-untouched plate onto the coffee table.

“Lena-” Alex says, and then something about the way Lena ignores her and walks toward the door sets a flare in her. “Damn it, Lena, how does Kara even put up with your bullshit without calling you out? I can't get two seconds into a self-pity party without her dragging me out for ice cream and feelings.”

Lena stops at the door, but doesn't turn around. “I suppose Kara neglected a few things about our friendship.”

Alex catches up with her. “Turn around,” she says.

Lena's expression is still blank, but there's a modicum of movement in her face, a lip tremble. Alex reaches behind Lena's head, and watches Lena flinch. 

She opens the door, and Lena's gaze flashes behind her and then back to Alex's face.

“Thank you for coming,” Alex says, and then, because 'the last word' is basically her middle name at this point, “See you next Friday.”

Lena's expression is incredulous; if Alex still wasn't thrumming with annoyance she'd laugh. Lena watches her for another second, then steps backward and out into the hallway, and walks away.

* * *

Alex: _She's so STUBBORN._

Kara: _I mean, you're talking to someone she still won't acknowledge, so, preaching, choir. But she's my best friend and it kills me that she's hurting._

Alex: _aaaaaaargh_

Kara: _Been there, too. I love you._

* * *

On the plus side, Alex's phone now signals text messages with a generic chiming sound.

* * *

Alex is determined that this is it, this is the end. Isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? And Alex is a _scientist_. It's stupid to keep reaching out to someone who clearly doesn't want any part of it. Ridiculous. Insane.

And then.

Alex remembers the look of shock on Lena's face when she'd said she'd see her on Friday. Lena's jaw had dropped, her eyes had widened, a crease had appeared on her perfect brow - outraged. Lena had looked outraged.

It was a pretty good look on her. Alex thought maybe she wanted to see it again.

* * *

"So," Alex says, walking into Lena's office with two paper bags in one hand. "Your assistant told me you're free until your conference call at nine. Which sucks, by the way. At least the DEO only runs that late when we're saving the world. Here's your dinner." She throws one of the bags over Lena's desk, aiming it over toward the other woman with a flick of the wrist.

Lena catches it and frowns. "What are you doing here?"

Alex has to hand it to her. That is almost certainly the maximum amount of scorn anyone could put into those words. 

"We had our regularly scheduled Friday night meetup, remember? Eat your dinner and maybe we can discuss why your personal assistant gives your schedule out to anyone who asks."

Lena still, somehow, manages to look offended while opening the bag and looking inside. "Sandwich?"

"It's a really _good_ sandwich," Alex says.

Lena sighs, but she unwraps it and starts eating. She relaxes, minutely, as Alex watches; something about her calms.

Alex lets the quiet fill the room for a while, and sitting on one of Lena's weird CEO couches, eats her own meal. The pickles are especially good, and the view from Lena's window is pretty. Alex has always been a morning person, but she appreciates a good sunset, and National City's can be impressive.

"It was never like this in Midvale," she says, without realizing she's spoken out loud until Lena looks at her quizzically. "The sunsets," she qualifies, a little awkwardly.

Lena nods, as though it's a perfectly normal conversation to be having with someone you apparently hate. "The increased particulate matter in city air lends itself to more intense coloration."

Okay, that was pretty hot. Alex is vaguely aware that this may be becoming a problem.

"It's dependent on location, too," Lena goes on. I've seen amazing sunsets in south-east Asia, the Caribbean -" she trails off, as though she thinks she's said too much.

"I haven't traveled very much," Alex admits. "Always meant to, but -” she trails off. “Well, unless you count other dimensions."

Lena pauses. "Can we please put a pin in that for later," she says. "But that seems strange to me. You seem like someone who'd travel. See the world, meet new people."

"I can't say I really meet many new people, unless you count evil masterminds, alien supersoldiers and the innocent bystanders I try to keep out of their way."

"You should really start dating again," Lena says.

"I _am_ dating, thank you very much."

"Oh, obviously," says Lena. "That's why you spend every Friday night with me. Because you're dating so much."

"Was that sarcasm? That was sarcasm, wasn't it?"

Lena sighs. "No, _that_ was sarcasm. I'm serious."

"Why do you care if I'm dating?"

"I don't," Lena says, crossing her arms over her chest. "It was just the logical progression of the conversation. You said you don't meet people. I offered a suggestion. Also, it would give you something to do that isn't bothering me."

"Wow," says Alex.

"You need a hobby."

"I have plenty of hobbies!"

"Name one. Falling asleep in front of Netflix doesn't count."

"I-" Alex is losing control of the conversation, it's clear. She's warm with irritation - Lena seems to have a particular talent for this - but she can't help noticing how much Lena has brightened up in the last few minutes. She considers. "What do you suggest?"

Lena looks taken aback. "Oh. Honestly, I thought we were going to argue more. I don't know. Book club?"

Alex shakes her head. "My work hours are unpredictable, I couldn't commit properly. What do people read for book clubs, anyway? Inspirational bestsellers?"

"Whatever they want," Lena says.

Alex wrinkles her nose. "Really more of a Stephen King girl, myself."

Lena unfolds her arms. "Horrifying, yet pretentious. It fits."

" _Hey._ "

"Oh, calm down. Well, who do you see regularly? Game night friends?"

Alex frowns. "Game night's pretty much permanently canceled, I think. Kara I see more than anyone, I guess. We text more than see each other."

"So ask - her," Lena says, picking up her sandwich and taking a bite. She chews thoughtfully. "You can read horror trash together and discuss it."

"Are you kidding? Kara would never read a scary book. She's all about romances and literary fiction."

"So read a literary horror fiction. Or don't. Or go on a date, I don't care. I'll make you a Tinder profile. I have your personal email and I'm pretty sure I could guess your password."

Alex has definitely lost control of the conversation.

* * *

She changes her password, just to be safe.

* * *

Kara: _How did it go???_

Alex: _You're a writer, what sentence has ever needed three question marks?_

Kara: _Ooh, grouchy._

Alex: _Probably Lena's influence._

Kara: _So you saw her again? How is she? Is she okay??_

Alex: _She's fine. She's frustrating. She's still mad._

Kara: _..._

Kara: _Did she ask about me?_

Alex: _We talk about you...indirectly. I told you, she's still mad. She's irrationally mad._

Kara: _It's not irrational, Alex. She trusted me._

Alex: _It's a matter of security._

Kara: _For her it's a matter of friendship. She cared about me. She thought I'd_

Kara: _Hit send too soon. She thought I'd prioritize her like she prioritized me._

Alex: _Oh, Kara._

Kara: _I know :(_

* * *

Alex has some things to think about over the next few days, and the last days of summer make National City's alien-human relations go haywire. Alex is constantly doing damage control, triaging agents to the highest priority calls, managing and directing. She's reminded that while full-time fieldwork is more dangerous, it's also easier to walk away from afterward, and develops a headache that seems to last for days, eats erratically, and sleeps in gray patches.

She forgets what day it is after her third day with less than two hours sleep. After the fourth, she forgets what year it is.

Once or twice she catches a catnap in the back of one of the officially provided SUVs, but mostly she just aches for sleep and thinks longingly of med school, where the hours were so much more reasonable. A couple of times she falls asleep at her desk, managing a fitful hour or two of rest. That's where Lena finds her.

"Alex."

"Mmm."

"Alex."

"It better be life or death," Alex says, cracking open one eye. Suddenly it registers who she's talking to, and both eyes fly open in shock.

"Who let you in here?"

"I'm a consultant," Lena says with something like wounded pride, and touches a short fingernail to the pass suspended on a lanyard around her neck. Her shirt has the top three buttons undone, Alex notices. Not that Alex has been noticing this kind of thing. She holds out a white paper bag. "Plus, I brought you a salad."

Alex groans. "I think I'd rather sleep."

"It's a really _good_ salad."

"Ha," says Alex, scrubbing a palm over her eyelids.

"You look atrocious," Lena says.

"Thanks, Lena. I can really count on you to keep it real."

"You're in a bad mood," Lena says.

Alex considers and rejects: _Thank you, Captain Obvious_ as a reply, on grounds it would only confirm the mood, and shakes her head, which makes it hurt worse. She takes the takeout container finally, with bad grace. "You're not. What's up with that?"

Lena blinks, and pulls one of the chairs pushed against the wall of Alex's office closer to sit down. There have been a lot of informal meetings this week. Alex's office is as messy as she herself, apparently, is.

Alex unwraps her lunch - there's a metal knife and fork and it's in some kind of handfired pottery bowl, which makes her wonder how much Lena pays for a salad. It's heavy with chickpeas and some kind of protein bites and when Alex tastes a forkful, the dressing makes her close her eyes - just for a second - in appreciation. 

"That's good," she says, surprised. "I don't think I realized how hungry I was."

"When did you last eat?"

"What day is it?"

"Friday," Lena says, her expression appalled.

"A while ago," Alex says, and Lena's frown only deepens. "Aren't you eating, too?"

"I didn't want to hold you up," Lena says. "I thought you must be busy."

Alex groans again. "Yeah, it'll be a while before all this settles down."

"And you'll be here until it does."

Alex cocks her head, unsure exactly what Lena's asking. "Yes, of course."

"Admirable," Lena says, and it's not anything like what Alex expected her to say. In fact, this whole interaction has been far outside of what Alex expected, and she surreptitiously pinches the inside of her forearm.

Or she thinks it was surreptitiously.

"You're awake," Lena says, with something like amusement.

Alex, chagrined, says: "Well, yeah, but that's the kind of thing Dream Lena would also say."

Lena narrows her eyes. "How much time, exactly, have you spent with Dream Lena?"

"More than - " Alex starts, and then: "Not - ". And then wills herself to shut the hell up, because there's no possible way to answer that question that won't be awkward. She shoves another forkful of salad in her mouth instead, and hopes for intervention.

Nothing comes, though, and Lena is starting to look dangerously amused.

"What made you come here?" Alex asks around a mouthful, looking for a change of subject, but also genuinely curious.

Lena shrugs. "I heard about the protests, figured you'd be camped in for the duration. You didn't text."

"My phone died days ago, and as we've already established I still think it's Tuesday. Also, did you want me to text? Because that's new. Usually you act like you can't stand me daring to communicate with you."

"Well, that's just ridiculous," Lena says. “Anyway, I brought you something.” She roots around in her voluminous purse, and extracts a book, holding it out to Alex. “It's horror, so you might actually be able to pay attention. It's literary, so it's in - Kara's wheelhouse. And it's gay.”

Alex notes the pause before her sister's name, but doesn't let herself comment. She is about to reach for the book, but stops herself. “Wait, what's the catch?”

“It's gay and depressing,” says Lena. “Which is why it's in my wheelhouse.”

“You need to lighten up.”

“Pot, kettle,” says Lena. “I need to go back to work.”

Alex stands up to walk her to the door, arches her back and hears her joints crack. “Well, it's been weird, as usual. Next Friday?”

“Um,” says Lena. “Sure. Start reading and we can discuss.”

“I'm not sure I can pay attention to more than three words strung together at the moment, but I'll try.”

Lena stands up and picks up her purse from Alex's desk. She hesitates for a moment and Alex waits, not sure if Lena has more to say, and moves to stand beside her and give her time. There's a long moment, and then Lena steps forward and hugs her.

Alex's nervous instincts kick in immediately, and she freezes, arms out to her sides. Then her brain catches up with what's happening, and she moves to put her arms around Lena in return, thinking to pat her on the back or touch her hair – actually, she'd kind of like to touch Lena's hair regardless.

Lena pulls back after a split second, though, and Alex's hands are left grasping in her wake. There's a half-smile, an awkward shrug, and then Lena's gone.

* * *

Lena: _Did you read the book yet?_

Alex: _It's Wednesday and you gave it to me Friday, Lena. I do have a life._

Lena: _Okay, that's the most outrageous lie you've ever told me, and yes I'm counting everything._

Alex: _HEY._

Lena: _I'm glad you know what day it is, though. I take it things have calmed down at work._

Alex: _Yeah. I kind of miss the craziness when things get quiet again, though. While it's happening I'm just reacting, moving from place to place and task to task, and it energizes me, I guess. It makes me feel like I'm really making a difference. When things slow down, I've got all this time to think. Which can be bad. I evaluate my life, which is always kind of painful. I think about old decisions, things I should have done differently. I second guess myself a lot. I don't know._

Lena: _..._

Lena: _What's wrong with your life?_

Alex: _Huh?_

Lena: _You said you don't like evaluating your life. What's wrong with it? Why aren't you happy?_

Alex starts writing something, then deletes it. Starts again, deletes. Finally:

Alex: _You can't just ask people why they aren't happy, Lena._

Lena: _Why on earth not?_

Alex: _It's very personal. And it can hurt to talk about it._

Lena: _We're friends. It helps to talk about things with your friends._

Alex: _You have slammed a door in my face on more than one occasion lately, Lena. Figuratively speaking and the other thing._

Lena: _Literally speaking. The other thing is literally speaking. I didn't slam it, I closed it._

Alex: _..._

Alex: _I'm lonely, okay? I have friends and I have Kara but there are things I can't talk to anyone about. Things I have to keep to myself, because of the world we live in or because I can't open up to just anyone about how I feel. You should know how that erodes you._

Lena: _Yes. I know._

Alex: _I shouldn't have talked about this._

Lena: _You should have. Are we on for Friday? Also, please reconsider Tinder._

Alex: _Oh God, you and Tinder. Are you buying the company or something?_

Alex: _Yes, we're on for Friday._

Lena: _Good._

* * *

Alex notes that texts from Lena are accompanied on her phone with the sound of tinkling bells. It's weird that Lena chose that (Alex's choice would be, perhaps, a crack of thunder or the sound of grinding teeth), but it's pretty, and anyway, she still hasn't figured out how to change it herself.

* * *

It's true that Alex gets antsy when crisis situations resolve themselves, and it is something she should probably think about. Go to therapy about, maybe, and try to figure out why she's uncomfortable when things aren't life or death. She feels like there's something there that could explain a lot of her relationships. 

There's a quietness to mundanity and routine that lulls her, too, though. Sometimes she thinks about how things would have been different if she hadn't been always chasing her next adrenaline high, and chasing Kara. She can't take Kara out of the equation, after all. She never could.

* * *

Alex: _You know how lesbians are always falling for their straight friends?_

Kara: _Actually, no, but if you want to talk about it, I have day-old donuts and wine._

Alex: _I DEFINITELY don't want to talk about it, but I do want donuts. I can come over in an hour._

Kara: _We can talk about my lack of love life instead, if you want._

Alex: _That sounds perfect._

* * *

"Did you read the book yet?" is the first thing Lena asks when she sees her.

"Many normal people do not read a huge historical novel in a week, Lena."

"It's not huge," Lena says. She's wearing green, and Alex can't help noticing how it brings out the color of her eyes. "I just thought you might like it."

Alex relents. "I'm sure I will," she says, more softly. "I'll get to it, I promise. Can we eat? I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," Lena says, and pauses. After a moment, she says: "All right, where should we go?"

"There's an IHOP down the street."

"Are you kidding me?"

"I never kid about pancakes, and the food will be quick."

Lena sighs. "Fine."

Alex has her pancakes to keep her company, but it seems like there's an unusual amount of tension in the air, even for her and Lena. She asks about Lena's work and skirts carefully around the subject of any of their mutual friends, and Lena politely - very politely - makes small talk back while picking at her meal and drinking an insane amount of coffee.

Alex has to admit that being polite to polite company has never really been her specialty.

"This is weird, isn't it?" she asks eventually.

Lena blinks. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I mean, our relationship has gone through some changes, I can admit. Used to be, I was suspicious of you, you helped save the world, all that. Then, we worked together more, trusted each other more. I liked you. We'd play Settlers of Catan at Kara's and do girls' nights and - you see where I'm going?"

"Not," Lena says slowly. "Really. No."

"Well, then, all this happened with you and Kara." Alex holds up a hand to forestall Lena's inevitable response. "You were mad at Kara."

" _Are_ mad," Lena says sullenly.

"Are mad, okay. You were mad at me." Alex waits for any correction, but none comes. "And I guess I got used to the paradigm shift in our relationship over the last few weeks. You hate me forever, but I keep trying because it's important to Kara, and, I guess it's important to me."

Lena's face has reached that particular kind of blankness that Alex has started to recognize as a mask for pain. Her fingers twitch - she wants to hug Lena, help her somehow, because once she's recognized how Lena expresses her hurt it's overwhelming to watch.

She settles for reaching a hand over the table, leaving it palm-up, fingers slightly curled. Lena can take it or leave it.

Lena takes it, although her expression doesn't change, and Alex can't decide if she's surprised. Lena's fingers curve over her own, and she strokes Alex's palm, feather-soft.

It's - a friendly gesture? Alex thinks. Friends hold hands, right? Alex hasn't had sex in a really long time, though, and there is a very attractive woman sitting across from her and running her thumb up and down Alex's pinky. It's a little distracting.

"Um," says Alex. "Where was I?"

"Paradigm shifts," Lena says, looking directly into her eyes.

Lena has always been kind of intense. Alex remembers most of their interactions, and the other woman was always friendly, but aloof and watchful. There's always a tension in her; she doesn't think she's ever seen Lena truly relax.

"Right," Alex says slowly. "Uh, I think my point was it's a little hard to keep up with you."

"Why's that?" Lena says, and as Alex moves her hand back, she leans forward to follow the movement.

Alex can't disentangle her hand without using more pressure, and she stuck between not wanting to offend Lena and also not really wanting Lena to stop stroking her hand.

"Alex?" Lena says.

"Um," Alex says again.

Lena stands up, pulling her hand away, and Alex can't stop an almost inaudible sigh of complaint. Maybe she really does need to get on Tinder, she thinks.

And then Lena's leaning across the table, taking her face in her hands and kissing her, and Alex isn't thinking about much of anything anymore.

* * *

Alex: _ohfuckohfuckohfuck_

Kara: _What?_

Kara: _What??_

Kara: _Alex, seriously, what???_

* * *

Alex: _Hi._

Alex: _So._

Alex: _This is awkward, but I left my wallet, and I was hoping you'd seen it._

Lena: _I picked it up. I'll send someone over with it._

Alex: _Thank you._

Alex: _..._

Alex: _Could we talk?_

Lena: _There's nothing to talk about, as I see it. I'm sorry, Alex._

Lena: _I don't know what I was thinking. I took advantage. It won't happen again._

Alex: _No, see, that's what I want to talk about._

Lena: _..._

Lena: _..._

Alex: _Lena?_

* * *

“You – ran – away,” Kara says slowly.

Alex doesn't raise her head up out of her hands. “I _sprinted_ , Kara. I ran like an Olympic champion. I ran like hounds of hell were chasing me. I ran -”

“I think I get the picture,” Kara says. “Can I ask you something?”

Alex groans in response. It sounds mostly affirmative.

“Why?”

Alex raises her head. “Why what? Why which?”

“Why did you run away? Were you freaked out, embarrassed, offended?”

“Definitely not the last one. Probably the first two. It's _Lena_.”

“What's wrong with Lena?”

“Nothing's wrong with Lena. Well, lots of things are wrong with Lena, but not like you mean.”

“Do you like her? Like - _like_ her?”

“Are we twelve now?”

“Just answer, Alex.”

“No. Yes. I don't know.”

“Okay. What if you stop thinking, and just – I don't know – remember the moment. How does it make you feel?”

Alex grumbles about Kara not being her therapist, but she takes a deep drink of the lukewarm coffee Kara's provided, and closes her eyes. She remembers Lena's hands firmly encasing her own, the brush of her fingertips against Alex's supercharged skin. She remembers Lena's hands on her face, impossibly gentle and yet filled with intent, the slight twitch of muscle against her cheek. She remembers Lena's scent, some kind of expensive floral and clean laundry. She remembers Lena's lips on hers.

“Now. What do you feel?”

Alex opens her eyes. _Oh._

* * *

Alex: _Thanks for sending my wallet over. I tried to send a note back with your delivery guy but he looked at me like I was handing him a letter bomb. I'm a government employee, Lena, I'm not-_

Alex: _Anyway. So I came by and left it with your assistant instead. He said you're really busy. Too busy for lunch or to catch up. For the foreseeable future, apparently._

Alex: _Lena please read the note. Are you even getting these? I screwed up. I know I screwed up. Please talk to me._

* * *

Alex: _I think she blocked me. I'm going straight to voicemail. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I must be important._

Kara: _She needs to change her outgoing message, I've heard that one a lot too._

Alex: _Kara, what am I going to do?_

Kara: _Okay._

Kara: _Okay, don't freak out. I might possibly have a suggestion._

* * *

Alex: _..._

Alex: _Tell me you're kidding me._

* * *

Alex is starting to wonder when sitting in traffic became her default setting. It's definitely been related to the Lena connection.

And it's weird that she _has_ a Lena connection. But. 

She's not even in traffic now, she's sitting on a street corner trying to look like someone who doesn't deserve a parking ticket or a move-along from the cops. She's not sure how to achieve that, given that she's in leathers and helmet and she has already had several strange looks from various one-percenters having doors held open for them. 

It's unseasonably hot for this time of year; there's sweat trickling down her back. It's supposed to be fall, she thinks irritably, and then Lena's car rounds the corner.

Really, she only knows it's Lena's car because it's the biggest, shiniest one in a street full of big, shiny things. Lena has a car service so presumably they're rented or something - Alex isn't clear on details - but she doesn't think she's ever seen Lena in the same car twice. It means the margin for error in what she's about to do is embarrassingly high, but really, can it compare to running out of an IHOP in gay panic?

Honestly, Alex isn't sure.

Kara seemed to have confidence, though, so when the car starts to turn into the side-alley leading to the parking garage under Lena's building, Alex revs her engine, drives well above the posted speed limit to draw even (she tries to flick a glance at the car window beside her, but she's driving fast and recklessly and should probably keep her eyes on the road, and when she _doesn't_ keep her eyes on the road, she sees the windows are tinted anyway). The car doesn't slow down - even speeds up a little, which to Alex seems inadvisable in a blind alley - so she kicks it into gear, pulls ahead and turns into a skid just ahead of the garage entrance. 

For a second she's afraid the driver isn't going to stop. Lena's drivers are undoubtedly security trained, and Alex herself would never let a potential assailant stop her car when she was driving someone she'd sworn to protect. There's also the possibility that she'll get shot, but she's counting on Lena recognizing her before her security team can do it.

Then again, given her current mood, maybe Lena would be encouraging her security team.

She isn't given much time to contemplate, though, and the adrenaline spike of a high-speed chase is still coursing through her. She's breathing fast and hard when the passenger door opens, and she pulls her helmet off her head, shaking her hair loose. 

"Oh, hey, Lena."

"What the hell are you doing?"

Lena looks amazing. She's in a deep red pantsuit and her eyes are blazing, her color high. Her hair, unusually, loose down her back, is slightly ruffled. It's a look, Alex thinks, drinking it in.

"I was hoping we could talk," she says, breath still coming out hard. She's aiming for nonchalant but, she suspects, falling somewhat short.

"Are you insane?" Lena says incredulously. "My driver wanted to keep going and drive over you. Or shoot you." She glances back at the car. "I'm still not sure I shouldn't let him. What is this?"

"It's - " Alex starts. "Okay, give me a minute to explain. This was Kara's idea."

Lena glares at her, but - it might be Alex's imagination - her body language doesn't tense as it has done for months now, at the mention of Kara's name. Of course, Alex considers the possibility that Lena's so angry at Alex now that her fury at Kara is paling in comparison.

"And," Alex goes on. "She watches a lot of romantic comedies."

There's a long moment where Alex isn't sure what's going to happen. Lena's stonefaced. The window of the car winds down and the driver looks over at them questioningly. Lena stares straight ahead, at Alex, who momentarily considers moving to a remote cabin in Antarctica, where things would be warmer.

And then there's the barest flicker at the corner of Lena's mouth. Alex has been paying attention to her for weeks now – she knows the signs and wonders of the other woman's face; she knows how to put small observations together; puzzle pieces. She knows Lena, she realizes with something like surprise.

The driver leans forward and says something to Lena, who looks back at him, replies, and waves him away. When she turns back to Alex, her eyes are like sea glass, light and luminous.

“So do I,” she says, so softly Alex has to strain to hear it over the sounds of the street.

* * *

Alex's strength is not in emotional moments - she knows this. 

"Your security are okay with just ditching you on the street?" There's an awkwardness to her tone, and it's a pretty obvious radical conversational shift.

The lightness of Lena's lip becomes a small smile, not entirely friendly. "I told him to go, and my staff do what they're told. Besides, I'm capable of taking care of myself."

Alex frowns. "How many assassination attempts this year? Seems like you should be a little more careful."

"Is that your professional opinion?" Lena asks, raising an eyebrow. 

Alex isn't sure how to answer that, really. It's a simple question, and yet - her job is safety and security for people under threat. It is professional. It's something else, too.

"Will you come in?" Lena asks politely, gesturing to the door.

Alex nods, a little dumbfounded, and Lena scans them in. Inside, it's dark, and Alex's eyes take a moment to adjust before she eyeballs the area for potential threats, almost automatically.

There are a lot of fancy-looking cars in here. Alex's apartment building garage is full of minivans and low-range hybrids. It's a little bit of culture shock.

"Holy shit, is that a Shelby Cobra?"

Lena waves her on, to the elevator. It's similarly ridiculous, ornately decorated in some kind of expensive silk and there are no floor buttons, just another scanner set discreetly in one corner. Lena stands near it, gaze on the wall, and after a moment the doors close and the room shifts. Retinal scanning, Alex assumes.

"Neat trick. What if you want to go to the laundry room instead of your apartment?"

"I thought I made it very clear I didn't want to speak with you," Lena says, leveling her gaze at Alex. 

"You did. I needed to explain."

"There's nothing to explain," Lena says. "You don't owe me a thing. I apologized for - overstepping. I need some space for a while. I'm - " she trails off.

"Feeling sorry for yourself?" Alex suggests, after a moment.

"Embarrassed," Lena says, eyes flashing. "Surely you've felt that emotion before. Not recently, obviously."

Alex is sure that's a dig, but she's not precisely sure what it's about, and also she's pretty sure she deserved it. She spreads her hands out in a gesture of surrender. "Truce? I really needed to talk to you, and you've been blocking me."

"We're not at war," Lena says. The elevator stops, and she walks out, looking over her shoulder for Alex once she stops in the hallway. 

Alex follows, after a beat. She tries to clear her head, because this is not exactly going the way she'd planned it. The way it worked in the romantic comedies.

"I feel like our communication has been a little off," she says, and immediately cringes. This is not a work meeting, why can't she relax? She notices, suddenly, how tense she is, that her hands are balled into fists, and it's weird, that she'd get this way around her friend.

But also, it's not weird, and she knows why.

"I think it's been fine," Lena says, looking down the hallway at nothing in particular. "Time, space. I apologized. I can't keep apologizing. I don't know what else you -"

It's still not working out the way Alex planned. She thinks about how it works in the movies, and then she puts aside everything she'd thought about saying, and takes a step forward, into Lena's space.

Lena blinks, and Alex thinks there's nothing in the world quite so intoxicating as catching Lena Luthor off guard.

“Oh,” she says, remembering, and fumbles in her pocket. “I read the book, the one you gave me.”

Lena says nothing, just raises an eyebrow.

Alex takes a breath. “And, I liked it and I brought you this.” She holds out another book, but when Lena reaches for it, she doesn't let go. “And it was depressing, and it was gay, and I remembered you talking to me about it and I thought maybe that was a hint that you were – okay, it sounds stupid now that I'm saying it out loud, but anyway I brought you this because it meant a lot to me a couple of years ago and it's all about love – loving a woman – but the narrator never mentions their gender so the book might be gay and it might not? And that made me think of you and I thought you might read it and talk to me about that and I'd know -” Alex trails off. “I hate Kara,” she says, under her breath.

Lena nods. “I'm bisexual, Alex. As entertaining as it is to watch you continue to try and ask me in the most awkward fashion possible, I'd like to be clear.”

Alex bites her lip. “In the interests of being clear, was the book meant as -”

“A seduction technique? Maybe a little.”

“Okay,” says Alex, and her legs feel weak, and she's not sure if it's a result of the situation or of just hearing Lena Luthor say 'seduction technique'. “Okay, whoa.”

“Alex, I feel I've been trying to flirt with you for some time with no result. Kissing you was my last-ditch attempt.”

“Um, wait,” says Alex. “There was no flirting. I know flirting, Lena.”

“I did everything but hold up a sign! I practically threw myself at you!”

Alex, finally noticing how they've been standing for several minutes now, pulls the book out of Lena's hands and folds her arms. “Okay, give me an example.”

“Tinder,” Lena says mulishly.

“Yeah, what is it with you and Tinder? Also, if you were flirting with me – and I'm remaining unconvinced – why try to get me to join an online dating service?”

Lena sighs. “I am _on_ Tinder, Alex. We're geographically compatible, I thought if you joined up you might see me and then you might finally ask, or swipe right, or whatever it is -”

“Did you even find out how the app worked before you signed up?”

Lena says stiffly: “I was really only looking for one particular person.”

Alex unfolds her arms. “Well, you have to admit it's a pretty roundabout way to get my attention.”

“Touché,” says Lena. “Give me the book.”

Alex hands it to her, and this time their fingertips brush against each other's. Alex takes a sharp breath, and then hooks her fingers around, catching Lena's before she can slip away. The book falls to the floor, and she pulls Lena a step forward and moves into her, fists one hand into Lena's hair, and kisses her. 

It's different from their first kiss – it takes more than a second, for one thing. She gets the chance to register the softness of Lena's lips, the pliable way she leans into Alex. She's shorter than Alex by several inches but wearing ridiculously high heels, as usual, and their mouths are almost exactly level, perfectly matched. Alex opens her mouth, eyes closed, savoring the moment, and licks along Lena's lower lip, soft and quiet, undemanding, but Lena grants entrance immediately, greedily sucking at her lip, devouring her. Her hands, which had been out to the side, curve in around Alex's body, one tight on her hip, one over her shoulder, pinning her in place. Alex presses back into her, feeling the heat of their two bodies combined. Lena's _trembling_.

Alex pulls back minutely, and Lena goes to follow her. 

“You okay?” Alex says, and her voice is ragged.

“Kiss me again,” Lena says. Her eyes are dark and hungry, and Alex would sooner perform minor surgery on herself without anesthetic than refuse.

She refuses, though, trying to gentle it with a thumb caressing Lena's cheek.

“Did I do something wrong?” Lena asks, and the vulnerability in her face breaks Alex's heart a little.

“No,” Alex says, and she doesn't step away, and when Lena tries to, she follows her, stumbling over the book on the floor between them and following Lena's lead by holding the other woman's hips. “I need to explain. When you kissed me, I ran away for a reason.”

“Oh,” Lena says, in a small voice, and this time she makes more effort and wriggles right out of Alex's grasp.

It's cold without her suddenly, but Alex is determined.

“You know how there are things you want?” she asks. 

Lena looks at her blankly, but Alex has come to know what that expression means. She reaches out, touches Lena's arm with the end of her fingertips, softly. It's both awkwardly distant and too sentimental, and Alex feels weird about it, but she leaves her hand where it is, and Lena doesn't move any further back. It hits Alex like a bullet, like something larger than a bullet, that this is real and happening.

“There are things you want,” she says again, trying to think clearly, to make her point in a way that Lena will understand. “And then there are things that are – are so far out of the equation, it's so impossible that you could ever have them, that you don't even let yourself think, or dream, or fantasize about it?”

Lena's brow furrows; there's a silence as she considers. “No,” she says slowly, finally.

“You're the thing, Lena.”

It takes a moment, and then Lena's eyes widen, and there _is_ something more intoxicating, Alex thinks. Lena's gaze softens, the way it only does around people she loves, and that's a dangerous thought, but she's thinking it anyway. Lena looks at her, really looks at her, and then she leans in and puts a hand on Alex's face, and it's a warmth and a memory, the twitch of muscle, the softness of skin, the unguarded pieces of herself that Alex has seen and those she has yet to see, and she leans in further, and they'll get it right this time, Alex thinks, and if they don't, there will be time and space to try again.

**Author's Note:**

> the book Lena gives Alex is Affinity by Sarah Waters. can confirm, it is gay and depressing.
> 
> the book Alex gives Lena is Written on the Body by Jeanette Winterson, and contains the line: "I would eat my way into perdition to taste you." Alex got game.


End file.
